Breaking up is hard to do.
Honestly, I suck at it. I’ll cringe when I see that overly personal and a bit crazy post on Facebook, I’ll try not to engage when I get told way too much info about situations that are none of my business, and sometimes I’ll even answer overly personal questions even though my brain is saying “Don’t do it! No!”
I
Am
An
Idiot.
Last night I got totally called on the carpet by someone I have considered a close friend for years. She said many awful things. For a minute I believed that she might have a point. You see, some of the thing she said played right in to my mommy guilt…that I’m hurting Evan, that I’m lazy, etc. I know in my heart that none of those is true but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.
Also….she said that I lied to you, my readers. That I act as though I am “super mom” though I have only one child at home generally & I have a nanny who helps while I’m at work (and does the laundry…yay!). I’m pretty sure I do NOT do that. I mention that we have a nanny quite often and I have never professed to be a super anything (especially not a super housekeeper….have you seen the clutter in my photos?). Regardless, I thought it worth mentioning so that I could clear up any misconceptions….I do NOT do laundry pretty much ever and I am more than willing to admit that. There…glad that’s on the table.
Well, after all of that I couldn’t figure out a way to get back to where we were so I decided it was time for a clean break. I wish her the best but I will not be participating in her life or allowing her to participate in mine.
It’s no one’s fault really….sometimes it just has to be done. Even good people can be toxic in the wrong relationships. The key to a happy life is to figure out when you are in one of those and end it.
Doesn’t make it easy, unfortunately.
{ 18 comments }
Hmmm… sad to hear she attacked you like that, however sounds like you handled it really well. We all have toxic people in our sphere, and the right thing to do is what you did… close that door and go forward. Its a cliche but its true, we can’t control other people, we can only control our reaction to them….
I would love to say that I behaved well on purpose. She just went from zero to full on assault in 2.3 seconds. I was so shocked that it was easy to make a big decision.
Oh honey, that’s awful. And let me reassure you immediately too- I have NEVER, ever thought that you portray yourself as superwoman, that you lie to readers, or that you are lazy. EVER. While I have only seen you in real life for a bit, and we’ve mostly known each other online, I think I’ve had enough time to get to know you well enough to see that. What I see is a beautiful, smart, kind, down to earth Mom. You are quick to admit that you aren’t perfect.
I think that possibly your friend has some issues of her own that have nothing to do with you. It’s hurtful, but I think you were smart to move on.
And you can email any time you need to talk. xoxox
Thank you! I am usually the first to say I’m not perfect. None of us are which is what makes us all interesting.
Sorry you had to go through that but you’ll be better off, really. I think we already carry enough mommy guilt without anyone adding to it.
Now I if could just figure out how to get ride of toxic family members I’d be better off:)
Haha! Yeah that is a whole new can of worms. We HAVE to do coffee soon…maybe next week?
Speaking of that, I wonder if there’s something out there that helps you deal with toxic in laws? I need severe help in that department. I don’t have any of my own family here in Edmonton, they’re all in BC and sometimes it’s just so hard dealing with that issue.
I totally hear you on this one. I have a few friends who I no longer talk to. It makes me wonder if they were friends to begin with sometimes with all the nasty things that were said. But I also want to always believe the best about everyone. I think we meet people for a reason, and those people are not always meant to stay in our lives. For whatever reason this person is maybe not happy, and seems to be taking it out on you. I have 4 kids, no nanny, I do lots and lots of laundry, but you know I realize that every mom struggles, whether she has 4 kids or one. I never judge, we deal with what we can, and get the help when we can.
If you are fortunate enough in your life to have extra help then I for one am happy for you. I think this person could just be struggling too and may think things are easier for you than they are for her. Sometimes good people are overwhelmed with their own lives and for whatever reason can’t see that we all struggle as moms, instead of tearing each other down, we need to be supporting each other. I know how it feels and it is certainly not easy. Making the decision to not let anyone be toxic to you is the right one, it is hard though. There are days when I still miss my old friends, but I wonder if it was just habit you know? Have a great night and take care.
I think you are right. She has many more children than I have. I understand that I may have it easier than her in some ways. I work full time & it makes sense for us.
Thing is…I just can’t get that worked up about things that other people do in their lives. I just don’t care that much. I have too much to worry about in my own house.
I’m so sorry that that happened to you. Honestly, I can’t imagine EVER saying those things to a friend. People are different, and what one person can handle and what another one can should have no bearing on your self worth. My mother puts me to shame. She never sat down ONE minute of the day/night that I was growing up. She also worked full time. I have struggled with all that, because that’s not me. I had a toxic friend that I had to break from, but it was a different situation in that her ‘digs’ to me were always veiled and she would try to put a positive spin on it. She was the most negative, clingy person that I’ve ever met. I finally just quit answering her million phone calls, and when finally confronted with why I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth I blamed it on myself rather than telling her the truth. Chin up Merry!! It’s not a crime to have help…one child or five.
I think as friends we should always try and be happy for one another, and if we are having a hard time and need to be lifted up, then there are ways to tell friends you know? I think you were probably really hurt by the way this all came out. I think you do care but your family is a priority and that’s okay. Taking a step back is probably best. Sometimes the ones who seem to have it easy, underneath it all still have a hard time too, just not in the same way. It’s hard to see that though when your overwhelmed too.
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Unfortunately it went much, much further than I’ve said here. This isn’t a step back this is a run in the other direction.
I have always found you to be honest about your life in your writing. It sucks to have to do those hard things in life but you shouldn’t have to feel sorry or guilty for your choices. Does Evan feel loved whole heartedly by you? Then you are doing your job well!
Ive had to break up with a best friend. Not just a good friend, my best friend. Ive also been dumped by a dear friend. That was heartbreaking. I agree though that sometimes it just needs to happen.
Life goes on.
Sorry to hear you had to go through that, Merry. I’ve never thought you “lied” to your readers. You’ve always been open and honest about your life. I think you did the right thing…you’ve got to get the negativity out of your life. It’s not always easy, but it’s for the best.
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So sorry you had to go through this. But toxic relationships are no good for either side. Anyone who would go at you like that is not a true friend sadly.
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Thanks for you post. Ending a friendship can be painful, difficult and very draining. For some reason society thinks that ending an intimate relationship is okay but ending a friendship is not acceptable. People change and there can come a point in every relationship where both people will live better lives without one another in it. My thoughts are with you in this time because there will be fallout and I’m sure you will think of your friend often and miss her.
So, you write this post, don’t mention who this friend is, but share from your heart. Then, she comes here and comes unglued in her comment/response. If this is what you had to deal with on Facebook, I can see why you cut your ties. Unbelievable.
Oh, and you have a nanny who does your laundry? LOL You are blessed beyond measure. Could you share her cuz my mountain has turned into a mountain range. =)
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