I read an interesting blog post today about parenting. The writer asserted that parents use the saying “parenting is hard” as a cop-out that allows them to yell, hit, grab, drag, etc their kids. She went on to say that those behaviours are NEVER appropriate and you should always be able to handle your kids without basically ever raising your voice to them.
Yeah….
I kinda wish I could say that I do that…..but I would be lying. I don’t yell all the time but I do yell. In fact, I may have written this on Facebook earlier this week:
I only had one nerve left & Evan is on it. He got mad at the mall so I ended up dragging him out kicking & screaming. I may be (as my daddy would say) “paying for my raising”.
It was not my finest moment. Evan was mad because I wanted him to blow his nose. He wanted to stick a wad of toilet paper up his nostril and walk around like that. Um…no. He decided that his way to combat my request was to yell at me in a not very nice voice and throw himself to the floor. He’s gotten quite a bit heavier lately, so I can’t really carry him when he’s thrashing about without dropping him on his head. So…I held his hand and headed for the door. He then dropped to the floor and refused to walk. I *may* have drug him a few feet before begging him to walk, then picking him up, then putting him down, then walking, dragging, begging, rinse, repeat.
Finally, I had enough and I dropped his hand and walked off saying “Bye” over my shoulder. Don’t worry….I knew where he was at all times. The wailing was so loud that everyone in the mall knew where he was. He then chased after me. We got to the doors and I said “It’s really cold outside so we should put on your coat.” Screams of “No” and a collapse onto the floor was what I got. So I went through the first set of doors. He followed & still refused to put on his coat. I said “Fine…guess you’ll be cold”. We made it to the car, where he then demanded that I take him back to the doors and let him walk to the car. Um…no.
We finally made it home….me the frazzled mother and Evan the sad boy who really didn’t want to leave the mall. I truly think he learned that he can’t push me around by yelling and throwing a fit. Now…if the blogger were there what would she have done? I tried talking to him on his level and explaining that the behaviour was inappropriate. IT DIDN’T WORK and we were at the mall disturbing hundreds of people (he was REALLY loud). I was NOT going to give in because I really do not want to make him think that behaviour gets him what he wants.
So…I won’t use “Parenting is hard” as a cop-out but dammit…parenting IS hard even though it is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done! I love my little mop top!
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
oh I fully agree… parenting IS hard!!!
And I have so had those days!!!
Sometimes I imagine throwing myself on the ground and throwing an all out tantrum complete with kicking and screaming and crying and banging my head against the ground and yelling things like “I hate you” at the top of my lungs. Wonder what my kids would do then? *snicker*
I don’t think it is a cop out or an excuse to say parenting is hard… I think it is a statement of fact and reality and an acknowledgment that caring for little people who sometimes act like little tyrants can be draining. And if anyone says they never make mistakes they are either lying or delusional. So there.
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Hahaha! I think I might throw a tantrum one day when we’re at home. I think Evan would freak out. It would be funny to see.
Been there, done that…more than once! I’ve dragged Justin out of Walmart kicking and screaming with everyone looking at us. Ya, that was fun. He often has meltdowns out in public. Like you, I try to reason with him calmly, but that usually doesn’t work. At home however, I yell. I know, it’s terrible, but 3 boys can get on my last nerve pretty quick!
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I don’t know how you do it! I can’t imagine Evan times 3!
Boy is this timely. Yesterday I clonked Ben in the head with the remote I was holding because he bit my finger so hard he drew blood and bruised my finger. Why? because I turned off the TV and said we were going to the play place. I had just gone to stroke his face and he BIT ME. WTH I didn’t see it coming at all and just reacted. I apologized afterwards but STILL.
I have also been on the receiving end of insane temper tantrums where he’s hitting, kicking, screaming and losing his ever loving mind and all you do it sit their calmly trying to right the sinking ship. That’s when parenting is hard.
He’s only like this with me. Everyone else he acts properly, perfect little boy, polite and generous. I don’t know why but three is proving to be a challenging age.
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Same with me…Evan is great with everyone else most of the time. Dewey says that’s because I’m too easy on him. I don’t think that’s it…I just think he knows I’ll still love him tomorrow. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Evan’s the softy in our house. My mom, a teacher for 30+ years says that kids test out boundaries on the person they trust the most.to still be for them later. I hope that’s true because it gets me through a lot of crazy moments at our house.
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Well said. Sry about the mall.
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Thanks, lady. Not sure we’ll be back at the mall anytime soon.
I don’t think whoever wrote that article is realistic. I think it is good for kids to see us ” loose it” so they see emotions are okay. I think you did what you needed to do to remove him from the situation.
i truly wonder how this mother ACTUALLY parents. what fairy dream land does she live in? i totally agree that you shouldn’t hit, pinch or otherwise hurt your child. but to never raise your voice? well i’m just not that person. and parenting IS hard. wonderful, but hard. anyone who says otherwise is smoking something that is muddling their brain. maybe that’s her trick!
Merry, I’m with you and would have done the exact same thing. Parenting is easier when you have an innocent little baby that is totally dependent on you. You don’t get upset when they have a blowout completely up their back and all over the place because they are just a baby and don’t know any better. Then they grow and turn 3 and have a mind of their own and believe that they can do whatever they want when they want and there are times when “talking” to them just doesn’t work. Then you add a new baby to the mix. The 3 year old sees how much attention the newborn gets so he figures out every way he can to get your attention back and it usually happens when you are sitting down feeding the baby and he knows you won’t get up and do anything about it. This is one moment when “parenting is hard” because you know they know the difference between right and wrong but continue to chose the wrong and it forces you to correct the behavior. But when you keep having to correct the same “wrong” behavior over and over again you obviously have to change the recourse because the message isn’t registering. I have spanked my child and will probably have to do it again but I am not ashamed because I know I was spanked as a child and remember it and it didn’t damage my self esteem and it taught me to have respect for others and pay attention to the difference between right and wrong because there was a significant consequence to my actions. You are a good mom and don’t ever think that you aren’t. There is no manual for raising kids so you have to do what you think is right and not worry about what others think!
Merry, I’m with you and would have done the exact same thing. Parenting is easier when you have an innocent little baby that is totally dependent on you. You don’t get upset when they have a blowout completely up their back and all over the place because they are just a baby and don’t know any better. Then they grow and turn 3 and have a mind of their own and believe that they can do whatever they want when they want and there are times when “talking” to them just doesn’t work. Then you add a new baby to the mix. The 3 year old sees how much attention the newborn gets so he figures out every way he can to get your attention back and it usually happens when you are sitting down feeding the baby and he knows you won’t get up and do anything about it. This is one moment when “parenting is hard” because you know they know the difference between right and wrong but continue to chose the wrong and it forces you to correct the behavior. But when you keep having to correct the same “wrong” behavior over and over again you obviously have to change the recourse because the message isn’t registering. I have spanked my child and will probably have to do it again but I am not ashamed because I know I was spanked as a child and remember it and it didn’t damage my self esteem and it taught me to have respect for others and pay attention to the difference between right and wrong because there was a significant consequence to my actions. You have to do what is right for you and your family because becoming a parent doesn’t come with a manual!!!
You all are scaring me. O_O
In my opinion, the person that never has to use a loud voice etc has the kind of kids that aren’t that much of a challenge…one of those ‘know it alls’ who would crack up if they had my kids lol Don’t get me wrong, I totally agree with the ‘calm equals control’ method, but it’s not realistic in my situation 100 percent of the time. Kids are kids, they are going to have their moments, and we do the best we can.
Parenting is hard and it is not a cop out to excuse the occasional slip up! I did behaviour modification for 6 years before having Grady and I have a hard time staying neutral when we are down to that last straw. It sounds like you dealt with it in a great way to me. Kids seem to be extra hard on their moms not necessarily because we are too easy on them (trust me I am not) but because they know we are the fastest to forgive. One tip that has been really helping Brian with Grady more is give choices all of the time. I do it more naturally from having done it for work but it is really something you have to think about doing. Things like “Do you want to blow you nose with kleenex or toilet paper?” or silly choices like “do you want to wear you coat forwards or backwards?” even choice when it seems like there is no choice “which bathroom do you want to go in?”.
we have seen a big turn around in behaviour but we still have our “hard” moments. I’ve started counting to myself so I don’t lose it!
I agree, parenting IS hard. Last week at -25 my boy-8 refused to wear his jacket outside from the car to the Safeway door. I said “fine! But you WILL be cold.”. On the way in a woman coming out looked at us both and said “oh my!!!”. Whatever lady, you can put his coat on him next time. Sigh.
Oh boy is it hard. Abby is a pretty easy kid, but Maya is a game changer. She keeps me on my toes, always throwing curve balls. I’m far from prefect. I raise my voice more than I wish I did, but at the end of the day I figure I’m not doing any worse than my Mom did and my brother and I turned out pretty good.
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Oh, I am fired up about that article. I may have to take a deep breath.
Nah, I shoot from the hip – comment left, let’s see how our author handles it.
good parenting is hard – truth. no excuse for abuse – truth.
Don’t beat yourself up over bad days. tomorrow is another go. we do the best we can.
we are not perfect – but we can all be forgiven.
Don’t let an article like this get you down! Hers is a verbal tongue lashing and it’s no less abusive. there is not one scrap of love, compassion, empathy or kinship with other mothers in her article. It’s someone on a soabox, glaring down and shaking her head at the rest of us.
And I am a mom. I’m a good mom. I fail.
And I think for her: a hard rain is gonna fall.
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